Fly like an eagle! Climb every mountain! Reach for the stars! I mean apple! Empty your opponent’s bathtub just before they get in!

It’s pushing! It’s running! It’s reaching! It’s suffering! It’s five ancient greek punishments for the effort of one! It’s everything!

Your pieces slide! Your pieces fall! Your pieces do the strangest things! It’s chesses unlike the chess you normally chess! Bet you can’t chess just one!

Look! Up in the sky! It’s a Chess! It’s a Rogue! No! It’s Chogue! Faster than a Blitz Chess player who just drank a Potion of Haste! More powerful than a Sicilian Dragon! Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! It’s the Chogue that refreshes!

The boulder is practically square! The apple is barely recognisable! Yet you push! Yet you reach! Yet you strain! Yet you weep! Punishment knows no minimum resolution!

Hypertext! Hyperpunishment! Click links while your heart sinks! Read texts and repent your defects! Enjoy the Twine! Your soul’s on the line!

e4! e5! Nf3! Nc6! White knight captures black pawn! Black knight attacks white knight for 2HP of damage! White knight misses black knight! What the hell is going on?!

Chess! It already feels like a punishment to so many people! But now even more so! What if Zeus threw chess sets instead of lightning bolts?! What if Archimedes was a vengeful god?! What if you just kept getting chessed for eternity?!

Type! Type the boulder up the hill! Type the eagle away from your liver! Type, damn you! It’s Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing in the depths of Hades! Feel the burn of your repetitive strain injuries!

Sliders! Radio buttons! Dialog boxes! Menus! Progress bars! These are the instruments of our eternal contemporary torment! The ancient Greek gods would have approved! We are all Sisyphus now!

Torment characters from Greek mythology! Forever! Push Sisyphus back down the hill! Peck out Prometheus’s liver! Withhold the apple from Tantalus! Albert Camus said we must imagine Sisyphus happy! So the boulder must be even happier! Right?!